Thursday, May 30, 2019

Congratulations to Me!


When I got back from Mexico, my fears came true. I began the next chapter of my life, which I had decided was going to be amazing. It turned out that it was anything but amazing. I worked odd shifts and most weekends, which didn’t leave much time to help people, spend time with my friends or my beloved George. I didn’t make new friends at the factory. There was a noticeable divide between the temps and the full-timers, and I got very depressed.

All I did was work, sleep, and watch telenovelas. After I had saved enough money, I bought my very own car. I often went on road trips to nowhere and hung out with myself. At the time, I thought that that was terrible, but it was time well spent. I learned a lot about myself. I learned that I am a person who is fine on her own and needs to spend time alone but also needs to connect with people. I realized that the reason I felt so empty was because I wasn’t capable of connecting with the car parts I was assembling at the factory seven days a week, seven hours a day.

During that time, my thoughts were always in Mexico. When my nightmares about windmills yelling at me while I was drowning on my way to Posen Land came back again, I knew that I had to change jobs. But I hung in there until the temp agency laid me off. I decided that I needed a fresh start, time to figure it all out, again. So I gave up my apartment, packed what fit in my car and drove to Mexico.

I spent three months in Mexico living with my parents. Mexico had undergone a lot of changes, thanks to a new government. By that time, most members of the colony had forgotten that they had once rejected me and didn’t seem to care one way or the other how I dressed, or what I was up to, for that matter.

Aaron Neudorf had vanished into thin air. El Guero and his crew had left Durango and moved on to another part of Mexico. Once in a while, I ran into one of El Guero’s bodyguards, who seemed to be the only one who was still living in Nuevo Ideal. He always acknowledged me with his typical cowboy head nod, saying, “Guerita!” when he saw me.

I spent time at an internet cafe in Nuevo Ideal, and learned computers while staying in touch with George, Josh, and occasionally Kristina and Sam via email.

I spent a lot of alone time in the mountains. I visited with Irma and the Bueckert girls once in a while but other than that I helped mom around the house. After a while, my thoughts went back to Canada, and when I acknowledged what my life would be like if I stayed in Mexico, I decided to go back to Canada. This time I had no problem finding work, but I made interpreting as a volunteer my priority, and soon realized that I had found my calling. After my first interpreting gig for the police, they offered me a job and training, specifically for police and court interpreting. In addition to that, I began to volunteer as an interpreter for childcare providers at a health center that ran programs for Low German-speaking Mennonites. Within a couple of years that turned into a part-time job as a Low German peer worker, and eventually turned into a full-time position as a Low German health worker.

Every morning I would wake up in disbelief that I was getting paid to connect and build relationships with both the “Dietsch” and the “non-Dietsch.” I worked and connected with incredible people every single day. I received nothing but compliments and much praise for the work that I did on a daily basis. My supervisor often said, “Anna, I think you should go back to school for social work.”

I resisted the idea. “But I already have the best job in the world, and besides, I think I’m too old now anyway,” I most often replied.

“Nonsense,” she would say. “I went back to school in my forties.”

I often thought, “Man, these people go to school forever!”

After ten-plus years of working, taking courses here and there that were required for certain jobs, I reached my limit on promotions. I finally decided to take a chance and apply to go to college.

I had no more doubts about what I wanted to do. I had years of experience under my belt, and I was ready for a new adventure when I decided that it was time to go to college and earn the certificate to make it official.

Nineteen years after finishing my OSSD, twenty-some trips back to Mexico, and many adventures later, while relying heavily on technology to do all my writing, I finally applied to the Social Service Worker program at Conestoga College.

I was invited to bring my resume to an information session at the college, where I learned that they had received five hundred applications for that particular program, but only had seventy-five spots. Just sitting in that crowd listening to the professor tell us to handwrite a short essay about why we wanted to be in the program was enough to send me into the worse panic attack I had ever experienced. In spite of my lack of practiced handwriting, I wrote what I could, but I was sure it was terrible. I drove home feeling awful about myself, thinking that I was the biggest loser for even thinking that I could contribute or be part of such a group.

During the weeks that followed, I spent time thinking of other opportunities I might explore to keep moving forward. Finally, five weeks later, I received that dreaded envelope that I was sure was going to say, “Sorry, Anna! Nice try!” It didn’t. Instead, it said, “Congratulations! We are pleased to offer you acceptance to the Social Service Worker program.”

I was beside myself. I took a picture of the letter and sent it to my favorite person, whom I had confided in during the wait, and asked, “What does this even mean?”

“You're going to college, Anna!!!! Didn't I tell you? What will it take for you to believe in yourself?”

“Holy shit!” was all that fell out of my mouth.

When I told Mom the news, she asked, “Why?”

“Because this is what I want to do, and I will make more money when I am done.”

“Okay,” she replied.

Thanks to an army of incredible role models who, ironically, happen to be mostly men who have crossed my path, believed in me, and made me recognize my potential, I am going to college. It’s a full-time program, and I’m starting this fall. That won't leave me much time to blog, and that’s why I will have to leave you here for now.

I will be posting mostly on Instagram.


If you wish to follow me.

Thank you for reading and stay tuned.


Thursday, May 23, 2019

Outlandish Mennonite


Continued from The Girlfriend

When I opened the door, George had a similar reaction at the sight of me as he did when he saw me in my purple dress.

“Holy shit, Anna—you, you, look, I mean you are beautiful! Wow!” he said.

“I would say all kinds of things to the contrary, but you see, I have this amazing friend who taught me to say ‘Thank you’ when receiving compliments such as these.”

As he walked toward me, he said, “Hmmm, I wonder who this amazing friend might be,” and gently wrapped his arms around me, pulling me against his body.

I invited him in and proceeded to tell him that my imaginary gay husband had gone shopping with me and chose the outfit for me.

“Oh, Anna, are you still dreaming about that?”

“Yes, especially after this weekend. I just love him so much.”

“I know.”

“He is so good to me, he accepts me as I am, and expects nothing in return. Do you know how rare that is?”

“Yes, I do. I understand perfectly. I’m not surprised that you have such a strong connection with Josh.”

I just stared at him as he continued, “I am happy for you, and I feel honored to have had the pleasure to watch you grow into this healthy, strong, beautiful young woman I see in front of me.”

“Thank you,” I said, while briefly allowing myself to enjoy the feeling of my butterflies traveling down my body to my toes.

“You’re welcome, sweetie,” he said and winked at me.

That was the most beautiful moment I had experienced in the presence of a straight man. I held on as long as I could, until I had to find a way to distract myself so that I could maintain control of my actions.

“Can you believe this?” I asked as I handed him my report card.

“Yes, I can.  This is not surprising to me at all.  I knew you had it in you.”

“Thanks for believing in me and encouraging me to go to school. I am so close to finishing. I only have one semester left.”

“I know, isn't it amazing?”

“It sure is.”

“What are you going to do after you finish school?”

“Look for a job immediately. Do you think I could apply where you are working?”

“You could, but I think that would be a big mistake.”

“Why?”

“Because I think you should keep going and go to college right away.”

“I would love to, but first of all, I don’t think I could do it, and second, I don’t even know what I would study, and third, I have no money. I need to work to support myself.”

“That’s a load of crap. You can so do it, and you could apply for OSAP.”

“Mabe one day I might apply to go to college, but they probably won't even let me in if they find out that I started kindergarten at the age of nineteen, and besides, my handwriting is still terrible. It's going to take me years of practice to get better at it.”

“Stop talking like that, Anna. Do you even know how far you have come in such a short amount of time? You are an unstoppable force, Anna Wall. You can do anything! I wish you could see that!”

“Thank you! I must admit I am afraid that I will get depressed again after I am done school and get back to working some meaningless job. I am terrified that I will lose everything that I have worked so hard for.”

“But you know how not to let that happen, right?”

Before I had a chance to come up with an answer, my phone rang, and it was Mom. “I’ll talk to you later in the week,” whispered George as he let himself out.

Mom sounded happy while she told me that she was hearing from multiple people in the colony about how I was helping people everywhere and how grateful they were for what I was doing.

“That’s so good to hear. I’m so glad. Thank you for telling me that.”

Dots goat. (That’s good.) Your aunt is no longer angry with you or giving me a hard time about you. When she heard how you have been helping people, she said we do need brave people like you. She just doesn’t understand why you are so Utlaundtch (Outlandish).”

I did a little inner happy dance as I thought, “Utlaundtch? Now that I can work with! But wait! I might have to read the English definition of ‘outlandish’ in the dictionary first.”

She never even mentioned a “schwiennoagel” or anything. She shared with me how much easier life in the colony was becoming since they had electricity in their homes, and the fact that church leaders from La Honda Zacatecas had come to hold church regularly again.

She told me that she was no longer that concerned about me going to public school in Canada anymore, since my brothers were getting older and not listening and often leaving the colony. “They are spending so much time with Mexican people, and half the time, we have no idea where they are or what they are doing.”

“I’m sorry,” I said in English, because it loses its meaning when you say it in Low German. And continued in Low German, “That must be hard for you.”

“Yes, it is.”

“I have three months of school left, and then I am done.”

“Okay,” she responded and asked when I might come home again.

“I would love to come home again soon, but that will all depend on how quickly I get a job after I’m done school.”

“Okay, I have to go now. We’ll talk again soon,” she said and hung up the phone.

I sat down on the floor and spent a moment thinking about the fact that I wasn’t feeling the guilt I had always felt after speaking with Mom. I pondered the idea that the new Anna could be capable of turning her energy toward loving Mom. The feelings were deeper than I had ever before allowed myself to experience, thanks to the influences that had brought me to that moment.

By my last semester, I had figured out my learning style, and because of that, it was my best semester. I enjoyed every minute of it and was sad that it was coming to an end.

During a weekend with Josh, I opened up to him about my feelings for George.

“You love him, don’t you?” asked Josh.

“Yes! How could I not?”

“Yeah, that was a stupid question.”

“What do you think, Josh. Should I tell George that I’m in love with him?”

“I think that has gone beyond words.”

“True.”

“George knows and feels that you love him.”

“Really?”

“Anna, it's so obvious.”

“Oh, shit!”

“No, no. It's not a bad thing.”

The tears started rolling down my cheeks. Josh turned to me and cupped my face with his gentle, soft hands and said, “Anna, I have gotten to know you really well, and I am very good at reading between the lines. I think you have a lot of stuff to work through before you are ready for a serious relationship. I’m just telling you what I see. I mean, do you even know what you want in a relationship?”

“No.”

“You have the most beautiful thing going with George. Why put boundaries and labels on that? More often than not, that’s when relationships become complicated and often get ruined. Love should be free like yours is; that’s how it can grow so strong that nothing can ever break it. That’s just what I have learned. I say go on loving him as you have been, at least until you are absolutely sure of what it is that you want.

When he saw that my tears had become a stream, he hugged me and said, “I’m sorry that this hurts you, Anna. I’m only telling you because I know about this, and I care about you. I'm watching you change faster than a jet can fly, and don’t get me wrong, it’s all very good—you of all people need that time to fly free and discover yourself, then let the dust settle with yourself first.”

“It's okay. I'm only crying because you are right. I am not ready at all. I have no idea what I want. I think I have figured it all out, but I know that I have only collected the tools necessary to work through my issues. I am still so trapped between two worlds, and until I can fully surrender to becoming one with both, I don't know what I want. But he's just so, so, so...”

I think you are looking for the word, “Exquisite.”

“Yes!”

“I know, right? Too bad he's straight.”

“Ummm…”

“Just kidding.”

“Well, that’s why I want to trap him before someone else does.”

“Anna, never ever trap him. Let what you have with him fly free, and it will always be exquisite. You are so lucky that he landed in your life as he did. I wouldn’t change a thing. He will be that in your life until you change it. And who knows where you'll end up when you have had a chance to blossom into your full potential.”

“I’m not sure what you just said, but it’s beautiful.”

“Right?”

“Oh, man! You are the best. I’m so glad I talked to you about this. Thanks, I feel so much lighter now.”

“I’m so glad, and you’re welcome.”

“I love you.”

“I love you too, Anna.”

I took Josh’s advice to heart and cherished each moment I spent with George even more after that.

I applied for a factory job at a temp service halfway through my last semester. I had an interview two weeks before final exams and accepted a job offer. I was to start a month after finishing school. During final exam week, my cousin Izaak surprised me with his appearance at my doorstep.”

Primo!” I screamed as I hugged him.

“It's so good to see you, Anna.”

“You too, Izaak. What are you doing here?”

“Well, dropped off some menones (Mennonites), and I’m here to offer you a free ride to Mexico.

Ha li dietschjat! What?”

“What do you say, wanna drop everything you’re doing and go on an adventure with me?”

“Yes! Yes, I do! Wait! You mean like right now?”

“Yes.”

“But I have one more exam to write before I'm done school. Can you wait until tomorrow?”

“Sure, yes, of course, I’ll wait.”

I was bursting with excitement. I didn’t know what to do with myself after Izaak left, so I visited George.

“I have one exam left. Can you believe it?”

“Yes, I can, Anna!”

“I can’t.”

“Well, you better start because it's true.” 

“I am so happy!”

“I am happy that you're happy! You so deserve this happiness,” he said, and hugged me.

I told him about the opportunity I had, and almost felt like I needed permission from him to go to Mexico with Izaak.

George was thrilled for me. He hugged me again and said, “Holy shit! That’s awesome, Anna. I’m so jealous.”

I hugged him back and asked, “Hey, you wanna come?”

“That would be so f#cking awesome, but I can't take time off work right now.”

“Okay, maybe another time.”

“Absolutely! I would love to go to Mexico with you,” he said.

“Okay, I’ll see you when I get back.”

“Sounds good. I’ll be here doing the same thing as I have been my whole life. F#ck! My life is boring,” he said.

After handing in my final exam, I hugged every one of my teachers and told them that I would be forever grateful for the gifts of their time and patience that it took to be my teacher. I felt I owed my freedom to them.

“You don’t owe us anything. You did all the work. You take full credit for that, Anna,” one of my teachers said and continued, “You can pick up your final report card in two days.”

“Would it be okay if you mailed it to me?”

“Sure.”

“Can I call you in a couple of days to ask what my final mark is over the phone? I am leaving for Mexico later today, but I will be dying to know if I passed.”

“Anna, there’s no need for you to call me. You passed with flying colours!”

“I did?”

“Yes, you did!”

“So, this is it?”

“This is it, Anna.”

“That’s it? I did it? I’m done?” I yelled.

“Yes, you did it, you are done, and I’m very proud of you.”

“Thank you!” I said and hugged her again.

“I don’t know what to do with myself right now!” I explained.

“Go on. Get out of here, go to Mexico and celebrate. You deserve it.”

“Thank you! I will. Okay, bye,” I said and ran home.

I packed my bags and a pile of books instead of knives this time. I called the house that I cleaned and left a message that I would be away for a while.

Izaak drove, and when he didn’t talk, I read. I felt like I had made it. I felt as free as a bird.



“Nobody is 
superior, nobody 
is inferior, 
but nobody is 
equal either. 
People are simply 
unique, 
incomparable. 
You are you, 
I am I.” Osho

Thursday, May 2, 2019

The Girlfriend


Continued from Changing Mennonite

When I opened my eyes, I saw my “girlfriend” Tony standing there.

“Tony!” I said.

“May I sit beside you?” she asked.

“Yes, you may.”

“Thanks, I was hoping you would be in my class again. How are things? How’s the cleaning job?”

“The job is going good. Do you want it back yet?”

“Heavens no! I’m never taking on a job like that again. Scrubbing other people’s shit off their toilets is not what I desire to do at all.”

“Okay, I haven't seen you here in a while. Where have you been?”

“I dropped out again, but here I am, and I f#king hate school. I can't wait for this semester to be over so I can move away from here.”

“Really? Where are you moving to?”

“Someplace where there are more gay people, and since you are my girlfriend, you wanna come with me?”
“Ummm…” I muttered as I turned red like a tomato while I cleared my throat.

“Well, what do you say, honey? You wanna come with me and let me show you the ropes?”

“I am not sure what that means.”

“I know, and that’s why it’ll be amazing. I will teach you.”

“Ummm, but I’m just getting used to this place, and besides, I think I'm okay now. I'm not that afraid of men anymore. I think we can break up now.”

“No, no, no! Don’t say that, Anna. Men are assholes, and as long as you are my girlfriend you are protected, and besides, we don’t need them.”

“Ummm, no, they're not all assholes. I have been thinking about that a lot lately. I have met many amazing men. It's not fair that we let a few assholes ruin all of our opportunities to decide for ourselves who we choose to connect with. Maybe we don’t need them, but it’s still okay to want them in our lives, isn’t it?” I said. “I mean, I am not that good at expressing my thoughts with English-only words, but doesn't that feel like we are just giving them even more power over us?”

“NO!” she replied.

I didn’t want to be hateful anymore, especially because I was choosing to move past the many years I spent being terrified of Aaron Neudorf.

I couldn't continue to agree with her, because I realized that I had expected all men to treat me as Aaron had treated me all those years, and I recognized that I had played a part in allowing that to happen. I was ready to take control of my actions. I decided that this might be a more appropriate opportunity for me to practice standing my ground on my discoveries than when facing border patrol officers with knives in my backpack.

“Wow, Anna, you have changed.”

“Yes, I have.”

“What happened?”

“Well, I went to Mexico all by myself, and everywhere I went there was a handsome man who was nothing but helpful and kind to me. I have had an amazing role model—or many, for that matter—and I think I have matured and learned that sometimes good men and women do bad things and hurt people. But if we are going to be judgmental and hateful how will that ever change? I think I can stand on my own two feet now. I have decided on how I am going to treat people, all people. Or, I am starting not to look at people as “men” or “women”; I am choosing to look at them as human beings. We all have stories and reasons for being the way we are, and because of that I simply cannot choose a team. I want to be on all teams. The human team!”

I was overwhelmed with fear of what would become of our friendship after sharing my thoughts with her. I was shaking from head to toe, and quickly added, “Is that okay with you? Can you handle that?” bracing myself for what I had coming. I expected her to take my new-found convictions from me, because I knew that I wasn’t strong enough to stick to them, even though I felt brave enough to express them to her. I was still vulnerable, because deep down inside I doubted myself very much. But she didn’t. Instead, she said, “Wow, Anna, you do have a good argument there. Good for you, girlfriend, I’m happy for you.”

“Thank you.”

“You're welcome. I have a long way to go before I can forgive what has been done to me,” she explained.

“I can’t even imagine what you have been through, and I probably can’t help you, but I can listen if you ever want to tell me more about it.”

“Okay, stop it, Anna, you are going to make me cry.”

I hugged her, and she became my best sister from another mister. I spent many weekends at Club Sins with her and my gay “husband,” Josh. During that time I learned the term “confidence booster.” Apparently, that’s what I was to Tony. The men whose house I cleaned and the people at the club assumed we were a couple. I played along because I longed for the unconditional love she expressed for me. It was perfect in the sense that I could just be. I felt nothing but acceptance and love every time we went to the club. It was the ideal and safe space for a human like myself to grow.

Yet I spent many sleepless nights thinking that many people would judge me if they knew the truth and believed that I was seriously messed up in the head. But I had grown up thinking that I was not normal because I didn’t fit the mold, just like all the people at the club. I had reached the point where I had stopped fighting the urge to be normal, because I didn’t even know what that would look like where I was concerned. I thought about women like Mrs. Braun and the horrible, yet socially accepted, ways many people were living which I thought was unacceptable.

I loved that Tony stayed by my side after I had risked our friendship by telling her where I stood. It taught me that I didn’t have to be afraid to tell someone how I felt, even though they might not agree with me.

With a positive attitude and my new outlook on life, I continued to help people wherever I saw an opportunity. The most common places were the walk-in clinic, the bank, the thrift store, and grocery stores. At a grocery store, I ran into the woman I had helped at the bank. She couldn’t find yeast, and she didn’t know how to ask for it in English. I thought, “I have an idea of how she feels right now, and I have the power not to allow what happened to me when I was walking in her shoes to happen to her.” I approached her and offered my help. She happily accepted. After I helped her find yeast, I explained to her how to ask for it in English, and she finally said, “Thank you,” with a smile on her face at that. 

Near the end of Tony’s last semester, she said, “I wish I could do what you did, leave my family, all the people who I grew up with and move to a new country to start over.”

“You can.”

“No, I can't. I’m not as brave as you are, so Calgary will have to do for now.”

She had a bus ticket to Calgary in her backpack, ready to leave the minute she received her final report card. I hugged her and said, “Thank you for being a part of my journey. You thought me so much about human love.”

“Here you go again. You are going to make me cry.”

“I’m sorry. I know I’m being what I’ve heard people call “mushy,” and I've seen people roll their eyes at the sight of “mushy,” but I don’t care about that right now. I think it is important for you to know this because I have a feeling that I will never see you again.”

She wrapped her arms around me. I sobbed on her shoulder like never before, knowing how much I was going to miss her.

I was okay with showing her what I felt, because I had read about how important it was to feel one's emotions at the moments one was feeling them. And that helped me when I decided not to focus on being sad after she left. Instead, I felt excited and eager to learn from the humans who might still cross my path.

I went home after school and didn’t even look at my report card. I packed a change of clothes and makeup, and headed to my cleaning job. I decided that after I cleaned, I would make myself as pretty as possible and go to the mall. As I finished putting my makeup on, one of the men came home.

“Hi, Anna, I’m so glad I came home early enough to run into you.”

My heart began to pound uncontrollably. I reminded myself that I didn’t have to be afraid anymore.

“I’m sorry that we leave such a terrible mess for you to clean every time. Thank you for always doing such an amazing job.”

“You’re welcome.”

“I was talking to Tony, and she told me that you guys broke up. I’m so sorry to hear that. How are you holding up?”

“Ummm, I’m okay.”

“Good for you. I got dumped too, again, and I am devastated. I wish I could be as okay with it as you seem to be.”

“Well, I think spending time on your own is very important. And you probably already know way more about this than I do. But, I read this book on emotions and what you are feeling right now is good. Maybe you should read it. And it talks about the difference between being alone versus being lonely, and since I learned that, I really enjoy my alone time.”

“The only thing I know about being alone is that it really sucks. I hate it.”

“That’s exactly what the book talks about.”

“I am intrigued by the fact that Tony always ends up with the most amazing women.”

“Well, Tony sure knows how to treat women so that they want to be in her presence,” I said, and immediately held my breath because I was sure I had overstepped a delicate boundary and offended him.

I held my breath until he spoke.

At last, he said, “I need to work on my approach, because obviously what I am doing is not working. Maybe I will pick up that book and start reading it tonight.”

I took a deep, relieving breath while he continued, “This was nice. Thanks for listening and talking to me. Do you think we could be friends?”

“Sure, why not?” I replied. “I have to get going.”

“Okay, he said as he pulled out his wallet to pay me.

“See you next week.”

“You bet. Thanks.”

While I was browsing through clothes at the mall, all I could do was think about my friend Kristina and how I much I missed her, especially when I needed her help picking out clothes. I had grown into a much fuller body since the time I shopped with her. The sizes that she taught me to pick didn’t fit me anymore.

I put the clothes I picked back on the rack and drove to London to visit Josh. We spent most of the weekend watching movies, eating pizza, and ice cream. On Sunday, Josh took me to a much bigger mall and helped me pick out some stunning outfits that fit me properly.

Josh gave me a box full of books that he bought for me. It was like Christmas morning. I was so excited to go home and spend my time between semesters reading the books Josh had chosen for me.

When I got home Sunday night, I pushed all my pleated Mennonite dresses to the corner of my closet and hung my new outfits beside my favorite “purple dress.”

I tried on one of my new outfits, sat down, and opened the envelope that contained my report card. To my surprise, I had the highest marks I had gotten up to that point, and the night got even better when George appeared at my doorstep. Click here to continue reading my story.



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